Move over pizza…

This clean eating thing is rad.  I have felt like a million bucks lately, partly because I’m eating well, partly because I’m eating less, and probably mostly because I’ve been exercising a lot and drinking the amount of water I’m supposed to be drinking. I ate pizza last week at a work event and my stomach was not pleased.  I’m okay with that.  I think it means my new foody obsession is supported by my guts.

Last night, I went a little crazy:
Cilantro Pesto (I will never grumble about buying a bunch when I only need a bit again!)
Whole-Wheat Bread (my first bread!  From scratch!  And it was awesome!)
Creamy Balsamic Dressing (garbanzo beans are the base, so it’s yummy and high in protein)
Basil Hummus (of course I doubled the garlic, which makes it super tangy)

In other news, I registered for a half-marathon.  Yes, the same person who used to fake nose bleeds in middle school to get out of running the mile, is going to train to run 13.1.  I might be crazy town, but I’m excited for it.

I am filled wit…

I am filled with moaning and groaning about how stupid this day is an how much I hate f’ing Valentine’s day.  I could fill a whole blog post with it.  But instead, I’m going to muster every ounce of positive energy and focus on the good.

Spending the day at a high school on Valentine’s Day is the best way to remember how great puppy love is.  Like the freshmen boy who got his freshmen girlfriend a card clearly meant for someone who’s been married for years, saying how much he looks forward to the rest of their lives together.  The roses, chocolates, holding hands all day, cards, sweetheart candies.  So much effort to demonstrate appreciation, and when you’re not wrapped up in your own misery, it’s actually kind of cute.

I’ve never been one to enjoy gift giving holidays.  I know it’s not about the gifts, but about the message, and I’ve been guilty of confusing the gift with the message.  Like if there is not gift, the message must be “I don’t care”.  Or if the gift isn’t up to par, the message feels like “I don’t know know you well enough to actually figure out what you’d like.”  It seems like if you really had it together every day would be Valentine’s Day and every day would be a chance to send the right message.  

There is no better feeling than being appreciated and loved.  There is no worse feeling than feeling taken for granted and under appreciated by the person who is supposed to love you most.  As someone who’s had a lot of the latter in the past several months, I’m feeling lucky for the opportunity to have hope in my future that I will find the first.

“Life’s greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.”  
Victor Hugo

Unpolluted.

I am becoming incredibly transparent. If you piss me off, I’m going to tell you why. If you made my day, I’m going to tell you that I appreciate you. If I think you’re being dishonest, I will question your behavior. If you are becoming someone important to me, I’ll tell you that I’m grateful.

I am becoming stronger than I ever thought possible, thanks to the support of several people. Most of who, a year ago, I never would have thought to rely on for support. I have been reminded of the compassion and kindness that people have to share with others.

I am lucky. I have the opportunity to grow and change and be accountable only for my own actions. Because someone I loved and trusted didn’t respect me, I have learned to be more cautious with my heart on the next go around.

My head is becoming clean. I realize that just because something was amazing at one point, doesn’t mean that it can ever go back. I am purging myself of all the excuses I have made for someone else that have been polluting my brain. I am holding true to a specific list of characteristics I expect in the people I let be part of my life.

At the top of that list: confidence, character, and accountability.

“Don’t give up what you want most, for what you want now”

At some point i…

At some point in 2012, I became a neat freak.  An honest to god freak.  The type of person who  unloads the dishwasher before she goes to work, rather than blowdrying her hair on a freezing cold morning, because it feels good to have an empty sink.  Total craziness.  Especially considering I’ve spent most of my life making excuses for my messy habits, including those which have angered family members, roommates and an ex-spouse.  I was always the kid who couldn’t open her bedroom door all the way because there was so much laundry on the floor.  Now I do laundry because the basket is full, not because I’ve run out of underwear.

There’s something about coming home to a clean apartment that is a relief to me.  Maybe it is the fact that I am no longer picking up after someone else and no longer feeling resentment over being the only one to clean the apartment.  Maybe it’s about having control over something because I felt like I didn’t have control of my life over the last several months.  Whatever it is, it’s empowering and strangely awesome.  Such a simple thing has made such a difference in my attitude.  An attitude, which after the hours of 4pm is pretty dang good, all things considered.

“Reality is only seen when the mirror is clean”